FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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