She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
