oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
