my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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