You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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