may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
