I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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