Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Randomize
