Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
