When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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