At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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