Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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