What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
BRING THE BAGELS
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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