just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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