If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
accomplished twins. life is a go
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
