I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
