my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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