god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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