Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
