Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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