you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
