I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
