So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
We smell like vodka and hangover
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