Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
