When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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