Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
