your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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