I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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