I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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