I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
