Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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