On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
