Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
