apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
