She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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