We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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