Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
