i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
