The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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