So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize