I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
