I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
