Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
