I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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