Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
