she was so not down for the gang bang
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
And then he peed in my hair
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