i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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