You're my little dorito
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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