She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
