Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
