i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize