I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
