It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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