I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
