i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
