i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
