wrigley field is MILF paradise
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize