My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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