I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
