Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize