Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
