Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
