She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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