You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
