A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
COCAINE IS GR8
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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