My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just high enough for therapy.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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