it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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