I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Randomize
