I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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