I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
